The Importance of Being Authentic

**Please allow me to rip off some of Oscar Wilde's ingenuity for the moment.  Although earnestness does have its importance in this life, these days authenticity seems to be in scarcer supply.  

In these tough times, both economically and socially, we get caught up in the fear principle (which incidentally is also the title of a book that predicts a serial murder epidemic in the future).  We read the paper, we watch the news, we talk to our friends.... everyone is anticipating this disaster or that.  Stress levels are at an all time high.  This all leads to greed, desperation, and panic.

The reality is, the stress will always be there.  It always has been there, it has just continually evolved into different forms.  We are worried about the quality of our life, our attachments, and our things.  What about being worried about who we are as people?  In our quest for survival, we have forgotten who we are and what we are here for.  The need to connect with our true self is also vital to our health, yet we fight it.  We pile on layers of "stuff" to hide it.  From emotional baggage to designer clothes, it seems it is easier to bury the true self and trek on in our day-to-day worries.  For those of us fortunate enough to not have piled on so many layers, the job of digging shouldn't be too bad, but for the majority, that is not the case.

The energy we spend into living with these masks is, literally, draining.  So why, if it is so much harder to hide do we still do it because believe it or not, you are not fooling anyone.  We hold on so dearly to that which we know and crave acceptance.  It is hard to stand out from the pack.   Fortunately, there are new packs cropping up everywhere.  There are people everywhere waking up in their lives and saying "This isn't working."  Duality never works.  The YOU in you is dying to come out and be a part of this world. 

We all have a purpose in this life and in this world.  Understanding your life purpose starts with being honest with yourself.  How sad that you can spend a lifetime busying yourself with just surviving when there are people all around you that can benefit from your unique talent.  We ALL have a unique talent so don't sell yourself short.  

Think of all the time we waste on trivial things.  Now think of how much time you spend with yourself, in silence, just connecting with your inner spirit.  It is vital to our health, both mental and physical, to be with ourselves on a regular basis.  Commit time each day to connect to yourself.  Meditate, breathe, or just sit in silence.  Get to know YOU and allow whatever comes up in this time to come up.  Many people, myself included, will feel their pain come up.  Pain, anger, sadness... these are all normal emotions, but if you don't sit with yourself, they are going nowhere.  As you move from one busy task to the next, the emotions stagnate and eventually we fall into depression, anxiety, and various other mental ailments.  

This may all make you feel more sensitive and vulnerable but this is normal, this is just the layers peeling away.  Just know that once you start this process, you cannot go backwards.  Your awareness will become heightened and you will see that it becomes harder and harder to wear the masks.  Authenticity is your goal.... you are DESTINED to be the YOU in you.

One of my favorite books that really set me on this path that I HIGHLY recommend is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.  Although I feel you should read the book, I will quickly summarize the four agreements here as they are very helpful for this subject:

1) Be impeccable with your word: Your actions and words should be consistent with your authentic self.  To project negative energy or words towards another person is only projecting our own insecurities.

2) Don't take anything personally: Do not allow the negative energy of others to poison you.  Is is not about you, it is really about them.

3) Don't make assumptions: Do not assume you understand what others are thinking or saying, it doesnt always reflect the reality.

4) Always do your best: Always put forth your personal best and have no regrets.

Once we can understand and follow these agreements in our daily lives, we have achieved a true sense of what authenticity is.  Remember, you are responsible for your "stuff".  It is imperative to our evolution that we become aware of our "stuff" so that we can heal and not continually project it on others.  Therein lies the importance of being authentic.  Without authenticity, we are preventing ourselves from properly healing from anything we may carry as well as blocking true connections with the people in our lives.  

You should know the real YOU so that you can then introduce that YOU to everyone else.  If they don't love YOU as much as you do, well.... remember, don't take it personally.

Synchronicity or Coincidence?

Before I delve into this, it makes sense to start with the conventional definitions of sychronicity and coincidence.

From Wikipedia:

Synchronicity is the experience of two or more events which are causally unrelated occurring together in a meaningful manner.  The concept does not question, or compete with, the notion of causality. Instead, it maintains that just as events may be grouped by cause, they may also be grouped by their meaning.  In order to be synchronistic, the events must be related to one another temporally so as to rule out direct causation.

From Answers.com:

Coincidence: 

1) The state or fact occupying the same relative position of area in space.

2) A sequence of events although accidental seems to have been planned or arranged.

The definitions seem close and it would be hard to differentiate at times.  Which leads me to believe that the way we differentiate between synchronicity and coincidence is awareness and faith.  Awareness and faith can be somewhat abstract concepts for people so my easiest way of explaining it is.... when you start to become aware of the coincidences as having meaning your faith transforms them into sychronicity.

Once you achieve the awareness, it can become a bit overwhelming as our life is basically a series of sychronicities leading us to our destiny.  When and how can you achieve the awareness?  Essentially, we have to live out our karma.  For some this could take a lifetime, for some you can burn through it much quicker.  It is all a matter of how intense your preoccupation with the daily life struggles are.  The more we learn to quiet our minds, the easier we flow in this life.  Guru Singh uses an analogy that people are like sailboats.  We all can move our sails to take us WITH the wind or try to move AGAINST the wind.  Obviously trying to move against the wind will probably not take us too far.  Living life through effortless ease comes from learning to adjust your sails to go with the winds.  

Sounds pretty simple.  Through a commitment to a daily spiritual practice, you will notice more clarity and awareness which will incidentally lead you to noticing the sychronicities of life.  I like to call them those "Hi there" moments.  Kundalini Yoga recommends dedicated 2.5 hours a day to a spiritual practice which is based on the law of karma, you get tenfold of whatever you give.  This would mean that in giving 2.5 hours a day, your entire day is covered by positive karma. By connecting breath with movement for as little as 11 minutes a day, you have a start.  

From the time that I started practicing Kundalini Yoga, a definite shift in my awareness has occurred.  Not only do I notice a lot more of those "Hi there" moments, but my life has started to move forward with a lot more ease than ever.  

Although I still struggle with my daily practice, I have seen the benefits of it and will continue to work at it.  I just finished a day of White Tantric Yoga which has refreshed me and left me at peace with the events of last week.  There were many sychronicities for me there as well including my brief numerology reading by Guru Bachan Kaur where I learned more about the gemstones that resonated for me.  (Subsequently I purchased a mala from her, they are beautiful and I would highly recommend you look into them and her work: Ganesha Gems)  The reading I was given expressed to me that I have an innate ability to see truth and speak it, however it gets me into trouble (an all too familiar problem for me). What stone resonated for me the most, Amazonite.  This stoneis meant to help people that have suffered emotional trauma and assists them in communicating the truth that they see. Its name was said to come from the Amazonian warriors.

Amazonite... Amazonian Warriors.... Truth.

Interesting stone for a 6-foot tall women who is repeatedly called an Amazon and goes by the nickname Wonder Woman (a member of the Amazons) and has difficulty knowing when and how to "tell it like it is"....

"Hi there."

Be Kind To Yourself

One of my yoga teachers once said "Please forgive me, God is not finished yet." As soon as I heard it, I committed it to memory.  What a great way to say.... life is a constant learning process.  As part of my learning process, I went to my first weekend of teachers' training at Yoga West a couple of weekends ago.  To give you some background on this, teachers' training is one weekend a month for 9 months, Saturday from 7am-8pm and Sunday from 7am-6pm, basically 180 hours.  There are many other requirements but these are the "classroom hours" requirements.  Within these hours, we probably did about 10-12 hours of yoga work, the rest is teaching theory.

When I had signed up for training, I had two fears, the mental and physical commitment. I knew the mental side was something I had to conquer, so even though I feared it, I welcomed it.  As for the physical side, this was my main struggle.  My spine has been a source of much pain in my life throughout the years.  Various doctors and xrays have given me the following list of diagnoses: 3 herniated discs in my lumbar region, twisted sacrum, loss of curvature in the neck, worn away L5 vertebrae, and lordosis of the lumbar region.  In addition, or because of all this, I also have horribly short hamstrings and a very week core which basically give me zero flexibility.  Needless to say, I constantly struggle, and fail, to even touch my toes.  

Not only can the physical pain due to this be tough to bear, the emotional and psychological pain of being in a yoga class and seeing everyone do so many of the poses and breathing with such little effort is tough to endure as well. This brings me to my Sunday of my first weekend of training.  Having gotten through the Saturday somehow, my body was aching with pain and soreness by Sunday morning.  My struggle to get through the Sunday was evident.  I could barely complete the poses and breathing.  During one of our breaks, I approached my group trainer, Gurudhan Singh, and explained to him that I was having  so much difficulty even doing the exercises and I was feeling inadequate watching everyone else.  "Not all of us have flexibility", Gurudhan said, "Some of us have a meditative mind for example... we are all different and we must remember above all to be kind to our bodies and love what they CAN give us."

I decided I would go back in and try again.  This time it was Guru Singh's class.  After another of his amazing lectures (I really urge you to check out his podcasts), we started our third repetition of the kriya for elevation, which was for our first 40-day sadhana.  Having barely gotten through the first two repetitions, my back was screaming at me and going into spasm.  Despite Gurudhan's words, my self-doubt and negativity started to creep up.  What was I thinking signing up for this training?  I mean really, how on earth can I teach exercises that I am physically struggling to do myself?....but I am still here.  Keep going....don't give up.

The kriya is completed by an 11 minute long meditation of the Adi Mantra, also known as Long Ek Ong Kaars.  By this time, I was having difficulty even sitting up and keeping my back straight and legs crossed.  I let my legs move any which way I could to try to allow the pain to subside but I kept my hands in gyan mudra.  When we finished the meditation, we stayed there with our eyes closed.  Guru Singh then instructed us to place our hands on our body where we needed the most healing.  Instinctively, I moved my hands to my lower back and gently placed them there.  As soon as my hands touched my back, tears came to my eyes.  I wasn't sure why except that I must have been absorbing my physical pain in an emotional capacity.  Within seconds though, my back became warm where my hands were and then... I felt nothing.  Yes I felt the heat on my lower back, but that was all I felt.  Panic struck me in that moment.  For a few seconds there, I thought I had pushed my back too far; I thought I somehow paralyzed myself.  Now I know that SOUNDS silly, but to go from the amount of pain I was feeling in my back, to feeling NOTHING.... it was such a shock to me.

While this is all going through my head, I hear Guru Singh's words pierce through, "Now turn to the person next to you and tell them what you felt."  Too scared to move, I just sat there and waited.  The lady next to me turned to me and said, "What happened for you?"  Then, a dam broke, tears poured out of my eyes as it hit me.  "My pain is gone."  Were the only words out of my mouth.  "What pain?" I was too overcome with emotion and tears but I managed to sputter out that my back was in agony and all of a sudden my pain was gone.  I don't know what happened but something happened.  She had told me that was amazing and she was so happy for me, and these types of things happen often in kundalini. Nevertheless, I still had to run to the bathroom to collect myself.

Upon returning from the bathroom, Guru Singh was speaking again.  "Some of us have a bad back," he said, "but its not really a BAD back... it's just a good one that needs a little bit of work."  He then explained that when he started kundalini he had a fracture in his spine and could barely bend forward and with time that healed.  "Be kind to your body... love your body... if your muscles don't stretch as far as you would like them to, thats ok.  You ask them to stretch a little more with you each day, but always be kind to yourself."

My first training weekend was completed hours later.  I still felt the warmth on my back and that stayed with me for a couple of days.  Did the pain come back?  Yes and no.  The soreness from that intense training weekend remained with me for days in my entire body, but my lower back was still fine.  Within a week or so though, my back went back to its "misalignment" which I am currently seeing a chiropractor for. However, for those few blissful days, I floated on a cloud of both amazement and pure bliss.  Magic had flowed from my hands through meditation.

We are all capable of healing.  The body is an amazing thing.  Your cells regenerates every 72 hours.  Why not imprint them with something positive?

Be kind to yourself, and in that kindness, you find the grace to project kindness to others.

The Age of Aquarius

On Nov 11, 2008, we will have exactly four years until the Age of Aquarius is upon us.

What is the Age of Aquarius? Many of us have become familiar with the term from "Hair", the musical.

When the moon is in the Seventh House
and Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets
And love will steer the stars
This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius
The age of Aquarius....Aquarius! Aquarius!
Harmony and understanding
Sympathy and trust abounding
No more falsehoods or derisions
Golden living dreams of visions
Mystic crystal revelation
And the mind's true liberation
Aquarius! Aquarius!

Many of us have also heard prophecies and talk of the year 2012 being the Armageddon or the end of the world. It is in fact going to be the end of the world as WE know it and the beginning of a new world .... a world ruled by awareness, information, and energy.

We have probably all been noticing the shift in energies of the world, from the economy, wars, and energy crisis. Mental illnesses have also been on the rise for years. The World Health Organization has said that one in four people suffer from various forms of mental, behavioral, and neurological disorders. It has also been estimated that depression will be the second largest illness by 2010. The Annals of Internal Medicine recently reported fatigue and stress as two of the top reasons people seek a doctor. People are losing their sense of balance. In comes the Aquarian Age... an age where we are meant to shift our awareness and consciousness and focus on humanitarian efforts rather than expansion efforts.

How does this relate to each of us? I can speak for myself, before I even had heard of any of this, I too had fallen into depression and chronic fatigue. I spent months trying to understand how I got to that point. Why was this happening to me? Once I stopped fighting the changes that I was going through, I realized that in every dark moment is a ray of light, an opportunity to learn.

The secret to learning is forgetting...

- Guru Singh

As I started getting more and more engaged in my books as well as kundalini yoga, I saw how I had to forget what I knew in order to accept this new awareness. Nothing proves so hard as trying to convince your ego to let go of everything its held on to. A shift in awareness is a very tough thing to handle. Your ego fights with it tooth and nail. Nevertheless, I make baby steps, such as entering my Teacher's Training for Kundalini Yoga.

People asked me why I entered the training. Did I want to teach yoga? I hadn't really thought about teaching really. I was looking for more of a spiritual guidance, and up until then, nothing had spoken to me more than my yoga. Kundalini yoga was one of the very few things that allowed me to feel safe and sane. I also believed that I was led there by forces beyond me. However the decision to enter the training was not an easy one. Not only had I not even considered it more than a week prior to my registration, but I actually thought I was crazy to commit to something that I could potentially not endure physically due to the issues I had with my spine.

The Friday before I registered, I attended Guru Singh's class at Yoga West. Guru Singh started his lecture by explaining to us that we were all there for a reason. None of us ended up there by accident. "All of you have always known you were ... different," he said. He was right, I always felt that I was different, since I was a child. "You have always been a little much for people to handle." Yes yes.. that would be me again. Looking around at the class, it was obvious that he was right. Everyone in there was a bit... different. You have to be a little different to spend hours a week chanting and breathing like a freight train. I had been feeling a little spaced out since I returned from Amsterdam. Guru Singh's lecture was about the only thing that could knock me on my ass and get me back on track.

The energy of love and acceptance permeated the room as we all sang Aap Sahaee Hoa Sachay Daa Sacha Doaa, Har Har Har; a meditation meant to help you penetrate the unknown without fear as well as give protection and mental balance. I let my voice soar and sing, as I sent the love out to the world. I sent the energy to my beloved sister... to my beloved Palestine... and to all humanity. Tears rolled down my face as I felt the healing energy. Somehow the decision had been made for me to be there... to sign up for teachers' training. My ego fought it for a few more days. I even started having massive abdominal spasms that week that prevented me from going to yoga. I did make it in to sign up for the training and got my textbooks: The Aquarian Teacher.

Five Sutras for the Aquarian Age (by Yogi Bhajan)

1. Recognize that the other person is you.
2. There is a way through every block.
3. When the time is on you, start, and the pressure will be off.
4. Understand through compassion or you will misunderstand the times.
5. Vibrate the Cosmos, the Cosmos shall clear the path.

We are all one collective consciousness. This is what the Aquarian Age is about, realizing this consciousness and reaching out to help each other. It is time to make those changes in ourselves that we KNOW we need to make. Each breath we take is an opportunity to achieve that awareness. Start by breathing consciously at every opportunity you get. Be AWARE of your breath. Breathing consciously declares you are awakening.

Any time we see something around us that we do not like, it is our indication to make that change within ourself. Awaken to those changes in preparation for the Aquarian Age.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

-Mahatma Gandhi

I will finish this with our Kundalini yoga farewell blessing:

Long Time Sun

May the long time sun

Shine upon you,

All love surround you,

And the pure light within you

Guide your way on.

Sat Nam

My Personal Awakening

Today I made the decision to commit to Kundalini yoga teachers' training at Yoga West. This course is a 9 month course that teach you the fundamentals of the Kundalini yoga practice and principles.

This is a huge step for me and it starts this weekend. I will write more about the experience as I go through it. Suffice to say that I was overtaken with emotion immediately after leaving Yoga West today with my textbooks.

For more information check out:

http://www.yogawestla.com/TT.html

Wish me luck!

Love Conquers All

I would like to thank the people at Facebook for opening up a portal into my past. Never before has it been so easy to connect with familiar faces from my past life in Jordan. From relatives to classmates, they now all know what I have been up to for the last 6-10 years. I can't give Facebook all the credit, initially I couldn't contain my excitement to reconnect with a life that I had left so abruptly. The portal can sometimes feel like a Pandora's box, particularly until I discovered how to use the privacy settings. Either way, it has become pretty much the main form of communication I have with my brothers who I haven't seen in 6 years. Telephone of course would have been simpler, but the prospect of having to deal with my father or have him listen in on the calls did not appeal to me.

On this day, my youngest brother was chatting with me on Facebook IM (I LOVE THIS THING!!) and asked why I haven't called in so long. I truly felt bad for being so self-absorbed, I immediately bought a calling card online and dialed the number. I did not pay attention to the fact that it was almost midnight when I called due to the time difference. This meant that surely my father would be the one answering. True to form, I hear his "Hello" on the other end of the line.

Although I am about to come into my 30th year, I still have a momentary panic when I hear that "hello" on the phone. Do I hang up? Do I try to be amicable? Do I just ask to speak to my brothers? Something told me to just talk this time. It had been months since I had spoken to my father and I really hadn't planned on starting again that day, but it seemed it was destined to be. My mind drifted momentarily to the subject of astrology. As I count down the days to my first Saturn return coming to an end, I am reminded that the planet Saturn is associated with our fathers. I can't help but smile, I had been mentally preparing for this for months now; my showdown vis-a-vis Saturn and my father

The conversation starts out with my father reminding me of my age ("Two weeks away from your 30th birthday, is it not?") and my marital status ("Is marriage not a part of your agenda?"). Having never believed in quitting while I was ahead, I trekked on, instilled with the confidence of my new found "life lessons". "I have no agenda", I said. "All plans and agendas went out the window when I decided to leave home over 6 years ago."

Logic plays a key role in any discussion I have with my father. My father may as well have invented logic, because he adored the use of it so much. However, I am my father's daughter in many ways after all. As such, my desire to be "right" powered by infallible logic has been inherited from him. I know now that that only leads me down roads of self-victimization as well as passive aggressive behavior. Not engaging in this behavior with my father during our chat is a struggle, to say the least. What proved to be even harder is not resenting him for my increased responsibilities in relation to my family due to his lack of financial support.

Acceptance was my only agenda for continuing the conversation. The belief that acceptance of my father for who he is would allow me to remove myself from the victim mentality, a mentality that has been passed down through generations of my family. "I respect your beliefs and accept you for who you are," I explained to my father. "You don't respect my beliefs because you wont listen to them," he retorted while launching into a diatribe regarding my mother, sisters and I. The all too familiar diatribe has become a broken record and reminded me why I stopped speaking to him in the first place.

"I tried my best to live up to your beliefs and framework, but I knew it wasn't me and I would never be happy. I made a choice to leave, even if it was for fear of my life, and I accept the consequences of my choice." I continued to explain to him that his lack of acceptance is the reason for the breakdown of the family. Just like he cannot change who he is, we cannot change who we are, and it is only love and acceptance that can bridge those gaps. Blame was not in my agenda, it was more about understanding. I was holding on to that slight possibility of finding some common ground. My discourse continued for a while while I tried to reach that spot of unconditional love that I was led to believe a father carries for his family. Tears started to roll down my face as I realized that his ideals and inflexibility have made unconditional love an impossibility for him. His ideals had taken over where his heart has failed him.

Such ideals are responsible for war, intolerance, and hatred. When a man can denounce his daughter for marriage to someone of another faith while in the same breath drawing lines of comparison to prostitution, it is no wonder why the Middle East is in the state it is in now. In those minutes on the phone, it was finally clear to me, he was just incapable of the love that I thought I deserved out of a father. He was incapable of accepting anything that did not fit in with his beliefs. His brainwashing was utter and complete; brainwashing that I failed to conform with.

Sadness overtook me. I have spent my life believing that love conquers all. I still believe that. Society, culture, religion, beliefs, ideals....they just seem to get in the way. They were not put into place for that purpose, but the age of information has challenged many of those ideals, allowing fundamentalism and extremism to rear its ugly head. Religion and spirituality is a beautiful thing. The belief in a higher power and striving for a greater good, how can that be bad? However, when we turn those tenets into swords of judgement and self-righteousness, we have created a world of black and white; right and wrong. In these modern times of infinite shades of gray, how do you fit in? How can you find that acceptance for which we crave? Unfortunately, we can't.

I spent an entire life in a struggle to be myself. I never understood how if I wanted so badly to be myself, why was it so hard? After all, who could know me better than I know myself? Self-acceptance is what I lacked. How could I accept and love myself if I had been conditioned to believe that so many things about my true self were so horrible, based on all the ideals I had been raised with? Denial of the self is the biggest crime we commit towards ourselves. In those thirty minutes spent speaking to my father, I realized I finally approve of myself and have accepted that he never will

I may never have a relationship with my father, but at least I can come to terms with the fact that its no one's fault. At least now I can accept that I am no longer a victim of society, and in that decision, I realize my true power.

Love does conquer all, or shall I say, self-love conquers all.

A Profile in Grace

A friend of my mother's, who I had known since childhood, was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. My heart went out to her and her family. I had spoken to my mother who went to see her and I told her that I wanted to send her some CDs of audio books that had helped me. My mom had given me her friend's contact info so I could speak to her.

I finally spoke to her today. It had been years since I had spoke to her and she remembered me. I had expressed to her that I wanted to send her some CDs and she explained to me that English was not her first language as I knew, but she would have her daughter help her. She then continued to ask me about my life and what I was doing. I gave her the brief summary. She said that God would bless me for all my hard work and that the things that my father had done would not be forgotten.

What I noticed most about the conversation though was her amazing grace. I could FEEL it through the phone, I could feel her peace. I will say that this woman is a devout Muslim and through her faith has found her peace and grace. My admiration for her multiplied with every minute I spent on the phone with her. Through her grace, I felt connected to her and the blessings she sent to me.

Please send out your prayers for her and every other cancer victim out there. Incidentally, tonight on TV is the Stand Up To Cancer special:

Stand Up To Cancer

Note: In case you were interested, the audio books I wanted to send her were "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay and "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch