My Kundalini Awakening

At the peak of my anxiety levels months ago, I was at my wits end. I had been trying relentlessly to work through it all sans medication. I felt it had become too much and I sought out my therapist to ask her for help. "Perhaps I need to be medicated", I said to her, "I have never felt this bad before; I don't know what to do with myself." She had reminded me that I had been doing so well dealing with it all without medication and that I should try one more thing first. If after this, I decided I still needed to be medicated, she would write me a referral. She told me that I was extremely spiritual. "I am?", the idea was so foreign to me because in many ways, I had connected spirituality with religion. I had ceased my religious practice years ago. (It is important for me to note here that my feelings towards my religion are more related to the abuse that I underwent in the name of religion and not the religion itself. I have the utmost respect for the Islamic faith, a faith that guides my family to this day.) My therapist recounted for me many things I had said to her in our sessions that had not registered to me as profoundly spiritual things until then.

She then proceeded to tell me that there was an absolute beginners Kundalini yoga class that evening at Yoga West at 6:30 taught by a very kind woman, Sat Siri. The synchronicity of the moment hit me as I recalled that this was my third female doctor to "refer" me to Yoga West. I had no idea what Kundalini yoga was but I decided that whatever it was, I must go.

That evening I took myself over to Yoga West with my yoga mat and trusty Google water bottle in hand. I was so overcome with anxiety at this time that I had difficulty even talking or interacting with others. As I walked in to the studio, I felt that I had entered a different place. The people who worked there were dressed differently and had their heads covered in turban wraps. This defied any expectations I may have had.

After registering, I was ushered into a small room where the beginners' class was to take place. I see the teacher, Sat Siri, sitting calmly cross legged on a raised platform. There was something so peaceful and calming about her presence. She looked like a kind woman. Over the speakers, this song played. I proceed to unroll my yoga mat realizing that apparently I was the only one in this class. I had no idea what to make of this. At that moment, I started crying. I had no idea why I was crying, but I could not stop the tears from spilling forth. There were no sobs, just tears. I could not understand it.

I was at a loss and didn't know whether to run out of the class or stay. I was so embarrassed that I could not control my anxiety or emotions in this moment. I finally looked up at Sat Siri in the midst of my tears and said the first words that popped into my head, "I am sorry. I am just so happy to be here." Sat Siri looked at me and said, "I am very happy you're here."

Upon speaking those words to her, I knew that I was in fact happy to be there. All of a sudden the path that brought me there didn't matter so much, I just knew that I was meant to be there. At that moment, I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

If that wasn't enough, wouldn't you know that sitting next to Sat Siri was a large box of Kleenex. I knew then that I wasn't alone in my pain. That many others before me had reached the point that I was at, albeit via a different path.

Sat Siri exclaimed to me, "You are my only student today." Somehow, I knew that was no accident. She started the class and I continued to cry. It didn't bother me anymore that I was crying because I felt I was in a safe place and it seemed I needed to release that emotion. Sat Siri explained to me that it was very normal for me to have this much emotion during Kundalini. Although that still didn't stop me from crying, I felt better.

Sat Siri taught me how to "tune in" with "Ong Namo Guru Dev Namo". To put this in perspective, here is a quote from Yogi Bhajan, the founder of 3HO and the man who brought Kundalini to the US:

Anytime you want to manifest a link with spirituality, Ong Namo Guru Dev Namo is the link. You know how when you enter a parking lot, and you cross a line and pull the ticket out? That is this mantra. You manifest Infinity through the Grace of Guru Ram Das when you chant this mantra. When you have lack of faith or a similar thing, you can chant this mantra...

The rest of the class consisted of learning breathing techniques, such as Breath of Fire, and various simple poses. You can read more about Kundalini breathwork, or Pranayama, here. Needless to say, by the time the class was over, I was literally sitting in a pool of tears. Throughout the class, Sat Siri kept exclaiming to me that I was doing so well and you know, I finally believed her.

I was doing well. From that day forward, I continued to do better. I never really understood the meaning of that first class except it had a profound affect on me (Incidentally, I immediately purchased a couple of CDs of the amazing music that she was playing after I left the class.)

Days later, as I was researching on the internet, I came upon some information on Kundalini Awakening. I actually became frightened as many of the links I landed on warned against Kundalini practice and the subsequent disorientation that came from awakening. However, upon further research, I found that Kundalini awakening can happen suddenly and from various things. Here are some examples:

• sudden gain of maturity as a result of sufficiently accumulated experiences in ego world leading the a clear insight and awareness of true spiritual - religious - priorities in life.
• sudden death or disappearance of a "burden" from within your past life - through death of a person or his departure
• divorce or separation from a wrong partner
• reconciliation with an "enemy"
• change in lifestyle as a result of your change in attitude or caused by a new living environment
• change in profession or employment or job / business situation
• change of attitude as a result of travel into foreign countries helping you to see your present world differently and act differently
• new partner - falling in love causes healing and freeing and thus always an increase in kundalini - the more kundalini flows, the more freeing action such kundalini flow creates for your benefit.
• basically any change in your inside or outside world - even apparently small or previously considered of lesser importance - can cause a sudden kundalini awakening or more precise a sudden kundalini freeing !

My anxiety had started around the same time I fell in love. Although the relationship itself was such a source of turmoil, it was a catalyst for many life changes. It still amazes me how such beautiful things can come from such great pain. It took me falling in love to realize that I was love all along. My search for the significant other helped me find my own identity, an identity that I had lost for years.

As I write this, my anxiety levels have greatly diminished.

I am thankful for my awakening and the clarity it has given me.