Love Conquers All

I would like to thank the people at Facebook for opening up a portal into my past. Never before has it been so easy to connect with familiar faces from my past life in Jordan. From relatives to classmates, they now all know what I have been up to for the last 6-10 years. I can't give Facebook all the credit, initially I couldn't contain my excitement to reconnect with a life that I had left so abruptly. The portal can sometimes feel like a Pandora's box, particularly until I discovered how to use the privacy settings. Either way, it has become pretty much the main form of communication I have with my brothers who I haven't seen in 6 years. Telephone of course would have been simpler, but the prospect of having to deal with my father or have him listen in on the calls did not appeal to me.

On this day, my youngest brother was chatting with me on Facebook IM (I LOVE THIS THING!!) and asked why I haven't called in so long. I truly felt bad for being so self-absorbed, I immediately bought a calling card online and dialed the number. I did not pay attention to the fact that it was almost midnight when I called due to the time difference. This meant that surely my father would be the one answering. True to form, I hear his "Hello" on the other end of the line.

Although I am about to come into my 30th year, I still have a momentary panic when I hear that "hello" on the phone. Do I hang up? Do I try to be amicable? Do I just ask to speak to my brothers? Something told me to just talk this time. It had been months since I had spoken to my father and I really hadn't planned on starting again that day, but it seemed it was destined to be. My mind drifted momentarily to the subject of astrology. As I count down the days to my first Saturn return coming to an end, I am reminded that the planet Saturn is associated with our fathers. I can't help but smile, I had been mentally preparing for this for months now; my showdown vis-a-vis Saturn and my father

The conversation starts out with my father reminding me of my age ("Two weeks away from your 30th birthday, is it not?") and my marital status ("Is marriage not a part of your agenda?"). Having never believed in quitting while I was ahead, I trekked on, instilled with the confidence of my new found "life lessons". "I have no agenda", I said. "All plans and agendas went out the window when I decided to leave home over 6 years ago."

Logic plays a key role in any discussion I have with my father. My father may as well have invented logic, because he adored the use of it so much. However, I am my father's daughter in many ways after all. As such, my desire to be "right" powered by infallible logic has been inherited from him. I know now that that only leads me down roads of self-victimization as well as passive aggressive behavior. Not engaging in this behavior with my father during our chat is a struggle, to say the least. What proved to be even harder is not resenting him for my increased responsibilities in relation to my family due to his lack of financial support.

Acceptance was my only agenda for continuing the conversation. The belief that acceptance of my father for who he is would allow me to remove myself from the victim mentality, a mentality that has been passed down through generations of my family. "I respect your beliefs and accept you for who you are," I explained to my father. "You don't respect my beliefs because you wont listen to them," he retorted while launching into a diatribe regarding my mother, sisters and I. The all too familiar diatribe has become a broken record and reminded me why I stopped speaking to him in the first place.

"I tried my best to live up to your beliefs and framework, but I knew it wasn't me and I would never be happy. I made a choice to leave, even if it was for fear of my life, and I accept the consequences of my choice." I continued to explain to him that his lack of acceptance is the reason for the breakdown of the family. Just like he cannot change who he is, we cannot change who we are, and it is only love and acceptance that can bridge those gaps. Blame was not in my agenda, it was more about understanding. I was holding on to that slight possibility of finding some common ground. My discourse continued for a while while I tried to reach that spot of unconditional love that I was led to believe a father carries for his family. Tears started to roll down my face as I realized that his ideals and inflexibility have made unconditional love an impossibility for him. His ideals had taken over where his heart has failed him.

Such ideals are responsible for war, intolerance, and hatred. When a man can denounce his daughter for marriage to someone of another faith while in the same breath drawing lines of comparison to prostitution, it is no wonder why the Middle East is in the state it is in now. In those minutes on the phone, it was finally clear to me, he was just incapable of the love that I thought I deserved out of a father. He was incapable of accepting anything that did not fit in with his beliefs. His brainwashing was utter and complete; brainwashing that I failed to conform with.

Sadness overtook me. I have spent my life believing that love conquers all. I still believe that. Society, culture, religion, beliefs, ideals....they just seem to get in the way. They were not put into place for that purpose, but the age of information has challenged many of those ideals, allowing fundamentalism and extremism to rear its ugly head. Religion and spirituality is a beautiful thing. The belief in a higher power and striving for a greater good, how can that be bad? However, when we turn those tenets into swords of judgement and self-righteousness, we have created a world of black and white; right and wrong. In these modern times of infinite shades of gray, how do you fit in? How can you find that acceptance for which we crave? Unfortunately, we can't.

I spent an entire life in a struggle to be myself. I never understood how if I wanted so badly to be myself, why was it so hard? After all, who could know me better than I know myself? Self-acceptance is what I lacked. How could I accept and love myself if I had been conditioned to believe that so many things about my true self were so horrible, based on all the ideals I had been raised with? Denial of the self is the biggest crime we commit towards ourselves. In those thirty minutes spent speaking to my father, I realized I finally approve of myself and have accepted that he never will

I may never have a relationship with my father, but at least I can come to terms with the fact that its no one's fault. At least now I can accept that I am no longer a victim of society, and in that decision, I realize my true power.

Love does conquer all, or shall I say, self-love conquers all.

A Profile in Grace

A friend of my mother's, who I had known since childhood, was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. My heart went out to her and her family. I had spoken to my mother who went to see her and I told her that I wanted to send her some CDs of audio books that had helped me. My mom had given me her friend's contact info so I could speak to her.

I finally spoke to her today. It had been years since I had spoke to her and she remembered me. I had expressed to her that I wanted to send her some CDs and she explained to me that English was not her first language as I knew, but she would have her daughter help her. She then continued to ask me about my life and what I was doing. I gave her the brief summary. She said that God would bless me for all my hard work and that the things that my father had done would not be forgotten.

What I noticed most about the conversation though was her amazing grace. I could FEEL it through the phone, I could feel her peace. I will say that this woman is a devout Muslim and through her faith has found her peace and grace. My admiration for her multiplied with every minute I spent on the phone with her. Through her grace, I felt connected to her and the blessings she sent to me.

Please send out your prayers for her and every other cancer victim out there. Incidentally, tonight on TV is the Stand Up To Cancer special:

Stand Up To Cancer

Note: In case you were interested, the audio books I wanted to send her were "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay and "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch

My Kundalini Awakening

At the peak of my anxiety levels months ago, I was at my wits end. I had been trying relentlessly to work through it all sans medication. I felt it had become too much and I sought out my therapist to ask her for help. "Perhaps I need to be medicated", I said to her, "I have never felt this bad before; I don't know what to do with myself." She had reminded me that I had been doing so well dealing with it all without medication and that I should try one more thing first. If after this, I decided I still needed to be medicated, she would write me a referral. She told me that I was extremely spiritual. "I am?", the idea was so foreign to me because in many ways, I had connected spirituality with religion. I had ceased my religious practice years ago. (It is important for me to note here that my feelings towards my religion are more related to the abuse that I underwent in the name of religion and not the religion itself. I have the utmost respect for the Islamic faith, a faith that guides my family to this day.) My therapist recounted for me many things I had said to her in our sessions that had not registered to me as profoundly spiritual things until then.

She then proceeded to tell me that there was an absolute beginners Kundalini yoga class that evening at Yoga West at 6:30 taught by a very kind woman, Sat Siri. The synchronicity of the moment hit me as I recalled that this was my third female doctor to "refer" me to Yoga West. I had no idea what Kundalini yoga was but I decided that whatever it was, I must go.

That evening I took myself over to Yoga West with my yoga mat and trusty Google water bottle in hand. I was so overcome with anxiety at this time that I had difficulty even talking or interacting with others. As I walked in to the studio, I felt that I had entered a different place. The people who worked there were dressed differently and had their heads covered in turban wraps. This defied any expectations I may have had.

After registering, I was ushered into a small room where the beginners' class was to take place. I see the teacher, Sat Siri, sitting calmly cross legged on a raised platform. There was something so peaceful and calming about her presence. She looked like a kind woman. Over the speakers, this song played. I proceed to unroll my yoga mat realizing that apparently I was the only one in this class. I had no idea what to make of this. At that moment, I started crying. I had no idea why I was crying, but I could not stop the tears from spilling forth. There were no sobs, just tears. I could not understand it.

I was at a loss and didn't know whether to run out of the class or stay. I was so embarrassed that I could not control my anxiety or emotions in this moment. I finally looked up at Sat Siri in the midst of my tears and said the first words that popped into my head, "I am sorry. I am just so happy to be here." Sat Siri looked at me and said, "I am very happy you're here."

Upon speaking those words to her, I knew that I was in fact happy to be there. All of a sudden the path that brought me there didn't matter so much, I just knew that I was meant to be there. At that moment, I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

If that wasn't enough, wouldn't you know that sitting next to Sat Siri was a large box of Kleenex. I knew then that I wasn't alone in my pain. That many others before me had reached the point that I was at, albeit via a different path.

Sat Siri exclaimed to me, "You are my only student today." Somehow, I knew that was no accident. She started the class and I continued to cry. It didn't bother me anymore that I was crying because I felt I was in a safe place and it seemed I needed to release that emotion. Sat Siri explained to me that it was very normal for me to have this much emotion during Kundalini. Although that still didn't stop me from crying, I felt better.

Sat Siri taught me how to "tune in" with "Ong Namo Guru Dev Namo". To put this in perspective, here is a quote from Yogi Bhajan, the founder of 3HO and the man who brought Kundalini to the US:

Anytime you want to manifest a link with spirituality, Ong Namo Guru Dev Namo is the link. You know how when you enter a parking lot, and you cross a line and pull the ticket out? That is this mantra. You manifest Infinity through the Grace of Guru Ram Das when you chant this mantra. When you have lack of faith or a similar thing, you can chant this mantra...

The rest of the class consisted of learning breathing techniques, such as Breath of Fire, and various simple poses. You can read more about Kundalini breathwork, or Pranayama, here. Needless to say, by the time the class was over, I was literally sitting in a pool of tears. Throughout the class, Sat Siri kept exclaiming to me that I was doing so well and you know, I finally believed her.

I was doing well. From that day forward, I continued to do better. I never really understood the meaning of that first class except it had a profound affect on me (Incidentally, I immediately purchased a couple of CDs of the amazing music that she was playing after I left the class.)

Days later, as I was researching on the internet, I came upon some information on Kundalini Awakening. I actually became frightened as many of the links I landed on warned against Kundalini practice and the subsequent disorientation that came from awakening. However, upon further research, I found that Kundalini awakening can happen suddenly and from various things. Here are some examples:

• sudden gain of maturity as a result of sufficiently accumulated experiences in ego world leading the a clear insight and awareness of true spiritual - religious - priorities in life.
• sudden death or disappearance of a "burden" from within your past life - through death of a person or his departure
• divorce or separation from a wrong partner
• reconciliation with an "enemy"
• change in lifestyle as a result of your change in attitude or caused by a new living environment
• change in profession or employment or job / business situation
• change of attitude as a result of travel into foreign countries helping you to see your present world differently and act differently
• new partner - falling in love causes healing and freeing and thus always an increase in kundalini - the more kundalini flows, the more freeing action such kundalini flow creates for your benefit.
• basically any change in your inside or outside world - even apparently small or previously considered of lesser importance - can cause a sudden kundalini awakening or more precise a sudden kundalini freeing !

My anxiety had started around the same time I fell in love. Although the relationship itself was such a source of turmoil, it was a catalyst for many life changes. It still amazes me how such beautiful things can come from such great pain. It took me falling in love to realize that I was love all along. My search for the significant other helped me find my own identity, an identity that I had lost for years.

As I write this, my anxiety levels have greatly diminished.

I am thankful for my awakening and the clarity it has given me.

The Next Evolution: A Guru Singh Lecture

I had the pure blessing of attending my first class with Guru Singh last Thursday. He gave an amazing lecture on the relationship with the true self and the acting self. I urge everyone to download and give it a listen:

The Next Evolution

If you live in LA, I highly suggest attending one of Guru Singh's classes at Yoga West. He teaches there Monday and Thursday nights at 7pm.

Sat Nam

*Note: You can fast forward a bit to get started. If you forward to around 4:50, you can hear Guru Singh's political message. Forward to around 9:00 to hear the lecture on the self.

Just Say What You Want!

Wow... here is an Oprah.com link I came across that is just excellent and backs up the whole purpose of this blog.  Here is an excerpt:

Wouldn't it cost less, both in mental and actual currency, if she were to sit out the dance, look him plain in the eye, and speak her mind? Why can't she say what she wants?

She's afraid that people will label her needy, bitchy, clingy, whiny. In other words, wanty. Wanty (known in Italy as volere, on New York's shrink-saturated Upper West Side as the id) is the hobgoblin who scrambles the signals so that wanting becomes a bad thing instead of a way to move forward. His cohorts are guilt and denial; his ace up the sleeve is fear of rejection.

Come on ladies! This is a must read. 

How to Speak Up and Get What You Want

The Beginning: Part 1

I guess it probably makes sense to discuss how I got to be here today in this blessed state.

I was born September 22, 1978 in Burbank, Illinois at 8:30pm in Christ Hospital to Palestinian parents. My parents were both US immigrants. 

My mom recounted the events of my birth to me over the phone a couple of weeks ago as I inquired about the story.  "You were the only one born without labor", she explained.  (Keep in mind, my mom had given birth to seven children.) Here is my mom's account of the story in paraphrase:

The day you were born, you were not due for weeks.  I was with your father in the liquor store, waiting for him to take me to my regular checkup with my doctor. Then a woman walked up to me and told me I was having my baby today. I told her I wasn't due for weeks and she left the store. I told your father to run after her to see why she had said that.  The lady then told me that she had been a nurse for 20 years and that she could see in my eyes that I was going to have my baby that day.

Later that day, at my mom's regular check-up, her doctor confirmed the lady's "premonition" and told my mom that she was already 5cm dilated and would have to go to a hospital because she was going to deliver her baby.  My mom was taken to the hospital, I was born a few hours later.

I have VERY few memories of my childhood.  I had thought that was normal until I went into therapy.  The first memories I remember were a few from grade school here and there.  For the first time, I wanted to know more.  I asked my mom if I was a happy child.  She told me I was a very happy child but they could never contain me.  I was always escaping from any confinement they put me in.  The crib had proven to not hold me in as I kept climbing out so before the tender age of two, they had decided to have me sleep on a top bunk.  Apparently, even that wasn't enough to stop me.  My mom told me I regularly was able to find my way down from that bunk bed and they had no idea how.  She says she was amazed I never broke my neck.  I was amazed that even then I was trying to "escape".  My last words to my mom on that phone call were, "You see, even then I couldn't be held back."

Speaking of brushes with death, I had a few as a child I am told.  From falling down a flight of stairs in my walker to staying fast asleep in my swing through a drive-by (seems we lived in a bad part of Chicago).  I survived that tumble down the stairs into the basement as well as the bullets that came flying into my room.  At the age of 5, I was pushed out of a parked car by the bigger kids at play, breaking my teeth and being forced into years of braces later in life. 

My mom had explained to me that she thought I was not the brightest of children.  By the time we relocated to the Bay Area in California, I was 6.  I hadn't made as much progress as my mom had thought was required of a 6 year old until one day I started reading from a newspaper.  My mom had no idea how it happened, only that a family friend was witness to it and had exclaimed "Mariam, your daughter is reading a newspaper!".  From that point forward I was labeled as a gifted child after IQ tests and placed in special program in school, GATE (Gifted And Talented Education).

By the time I was 7, I had four other sisters.  I was the second oldest.   My father had never planned on having girls nor did he know what to do with them.  From the age of 10, I was working in the family liquor store.  Although I am sure child labor was frowned upon even then, my father wanted us to learn the value of a dollar by having us do hard labor.  I was cleaning floors, stocking shelves, moving boxes, along with many other duties.  I was never taught how to carry heavy loads properly so my back suffered as a consequence of this.  As an adult, I was diagnosed with three herniated discs in my lower back.  However, I definitely learned the value of a dollar and never had a problem doing any job as an adult.  I knew what it took in this life to make it and I knew I was DESTINED to make it.

My life in the US was a very sheltered one.  We weren't allowed to go out or have friends that were American.  Our playtime was limited to indoors or sometimes on our bikes.  We were not allowed to enter other American people's homes, even though we lived in a very upper middle class neighborhood of model homes.  My father worked long hours, sometimes up to 18 hours a day.  He always came home with large brown paper bags full of money or paperwork from the stores, accompanied with guns for protection. He had no tolerance for household disputes.  Physical violence in the house was not uncommon if things were not done as requested.  In my father's defense, he raised us the way he was raised, the best way he knew how.  That being said, we were always noticeably different than the other kids we grew up with. Whether it was our clothing (second-hand), our mode of transportation (my father drove a Mercedes),  or the bruises we would show up to school with; it was known that we were not given the same freedoms in life as our classmates.

The story that sticks out in my mind that best describes my father is this:

One day, my sisters and I were playing outside with the other kids with our bikes.  My father came home and was very upset that we were playing outside.  He instructed my mom to bring us all inside.  He told us all to get in the car; said that we were going out.  I wondered why my mom was not joining us but I was told not to ask questions.

My dad then proceeded to drive the four oldest sisters (at the time our ages ranged from 8-12 if my memory serves me right) to another area of the city that we were unfamiliar with.  He then proceeded to explain to us that if we wanted to play in the streets, we could live in the streets.  On that note, he stopped the car and instructed my older sister to get out of the car.  We were all crying at this point.  He told us to close the door and he drove off, leaving my sister there on the street.  He drove for a few more blocks then stopped the car again and instructed me to get out of the car and drove off.  I stood there in the street crying and tried to retrack my steps to my other sisters.  We managed to all find each other there in the street but didn't know what to do.  After sitting in the street and crying for what seemed like an eternity, my father pulled up with the car and instructed us all to get back in. 

We were all silent, not knowing what to expect next.  My father then drove us to the park and told us to get out of the car.  He took a kite out of the trunk and said we were going to spend some time at the park flying the kite.  I was too scared to say I wanted to go home, so I plastered a smile on my face and played with that kite with my sisters but a part of me died inside that day.

Although I say a part of me died that day, I believe a new part of me was reborn.  I don't remember much about my childhood, but there's a reason I remember that story.  It is a foreshadowing of what was to come years later, at 23.  I was being shown that I was going to be on my own like that again, along with the rest of my sisters.  My father was always meant to be the present-absentee father, I just always expected more of him.  I now accept that he simply was not capable of what I had wanted out of a dad.  He did his best based on what his dad did, or didn't, do for him.

As I share more stories, I want to keep light of the above.  I have waited this long to share much of this because it seems I was in denial of the lessons the stories carried.  There are no accidents in this life... and true to form, EVERY moment we live is an opportunity for awareness. 

George Santayana said:

Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

I am sharing my history as I learn from it and once the awareness starts, it is a floodgate.  If you are so blessed to have these opportunities in life...remember to carry an umbrella.

My Saturn Return

The moon has entered Virgo as of August 22nd. This may not mean much to you but it definitely has an impact on my life. However, according to Guru Singh (http://www.gurusingh.com/), it means something to all of us:

We just passed through the New Moon in Virgo and are entering (for the next two weeks) what astrologers call a "trapped configuration" . . . the planets are all on the same side of the zodiac. In fifteen days, the moon will emerge to “rescue” us, but until then we might experience the sensations of being fenced in and emotionally trapped as if we have no escape.

And there it was in black and white... exactly how I was feeling: emotionally trapped as if there is no escape. At least I found something that resonates and its not just general malaise... which I just hate to deal with. There have been so many changes and upheavals in my life in the last 6 months that its hard to maintain a semblance of normalcy at times.

I am intrigued by the planets and their meaning, trying to make sense of all this. A few months ago, a good friend of mine had mentioned to me that maybe a lot of my unusual feelings may be attributed to my "Saturn Return". When I say unusual I mean anxiety, suicidal thoughts, feelings that I was losing my mind. I researched this astrological phenomenon and found out some interesting things which made me more interested in Astrology.

Saturn Return is a time between your 28th and 30th year that forces you to come to terms with your life and your choices. Saturn is meant to push you through your karma and bring you closer to your dharma (your destiny). This month, my Saturn Return is ending as I enter my 30th year and because there are no such things as accidents, here is a quick synopsis of the events that led me to this astrological soul searching:

• The week after my 29th birthday, I became ill. I had though it to be a flu or a cold.
  
• At the same time, I went through a heartbreak brought on by a relationship I had taken up with a gentleman who proves himself to be a significant catalyst for change in my life; starting with that point and for months to follow.
  
• I became more ill with a chronic fatigue that I could not shake. My illness continued for weeks during which I barely ate and had very little energy to even leave my couch. I began to lose weight rather rapidly.
  
• After over three weeks of this and having lost over 15 lbs, I took myself to a doctor (I had no medical insurance at the time). After many tests, they declared that they had no idea what was wrong with me and I should monitor my health and see if it takes a turn for the worse.
  
• I continue to lose weight and battle with my extremely low food intake... I became convinced I was going to die on my couch. I fought with many demons during this time.
  
• After four weeks of this, I realized that no one was going to figure out what was wrong with me and no one was going to come help me. This was my battle with my own psyche and health and I had to fight it. My epiphany came as I looked at myself in the mirror. I could not recognize the person looking back at me but I knew that I wanted that person to live. In that moment, I knew God. God spoke to me... and uttered one word: ENOUGH.
  
• I quit my job as I was unhappy with the person I worked for and their lack of honesty and changed my eating habits and started to exercise at home. Dance Dance Revolution was my fitness of choice.
  
• Throughout all this, I suffered from intense anxiety that I had never experienced before.
  
• The "gentleman" returns to my life throughout all this as well.
  
• During this time, my chronic fatigue was joined by chronic pain. Life became agony. I went from specialist to specialist. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.
  
• I sought out therapy as a means to relieve of me of some of my anxiety. Therapy diagnosed me with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as well as high anxiety. Therapy led me to Yoga... Kundalini Yoga. That day also changed my life (I will discuss this more later in detail). I also made more healthy life choices in regards to diet and lifestyle.
  
• I continue to struggle with my relationship with the gentleman. I cannot decide whether he is a cancer in my life or my greatest love... or perhaps both.
  
• I finally stop losing weight....I had lost a total of 45 lbs since all this began.
  
• My relationship with the gentleman brought my anxiety to mythical proportions, finally making me realize that I was suffering from an addiction...to a person. The gentleman had become the manifestation of my father in my adulthood and just as psychologically and emotionally abusive. I had never been able to come to terms with and reconcile with my father despite all my efforts, but there he was staring me in the face. I was terrified.
  
• Upon realizing this, my anxiety got even worse and I knew I had to break it off. I would have nightmares and wake up with intense visions that the gentleman was with another woman, that she was in his house...I even saw her face. I had struggled with suicidal thoughts over the months and these thoughts became incredibly more intense. I felt that if I didn't leave him, my life would end.
  
• Days later, I got in an intense car accident. The accident was enough to put me in the state of mind I needed to be in to break off the relationship with the gentleman, who had refused to come to my aid. I was free...or so I thought.
  
• The energy of the relationship and pieces of it still came out to haunt me over the coming days. I got in another car accident and was also bit by "something" in the ocean, as the gentleman watched me bleed. I didn't realize this at the time, but he was accompanied by the female from my visions at the time this happened.
  
• I decide that I need to close the energy loop that was left open by my relationship and declare forgiveness. I sent a letter to the gentleman and declared that I had learned from the experience and was glad that it happened and that I wished him the best. Truthfully, it had been a major turning point in my life that I would never want to take back. I had made my peace with it all.
  

In Astrology, the planet Saturn signifies "The Father". My Saturn Return brought me face to face with my father, in the form of this gentleman. I had to learn my karmic lesson in order to move on with my life. My karmic lesson was to be true to myself and to recognize my own self-worth while maintaining humility. Although I was conditioned to accept such abuse from my childhood, I am blessed that I had the power to finally break free of it. As my Saturn Return comes to an end, I realize that I still have much to learn, but my awareness has been awakened and there's no turning back.

Thankfully my empathy for my father, as well as this gentleman, has been able to remain in tact. The sadness I feel for those who would rather live and bask in the glory of their image then to be true to themselves is immense. Sadness brought on by the realization that I was in fact on the path to become one of those people. Those without a soul who roam this earth with no sense of greater purpose or true love for humanity....always searching for something but yet always remain lost.

I am blessed for being able to learn this lesson and accept responsibility for my actions and decisions.

I am blessed to be able to burn through my karma and become closer to my destiny.

I am blessed to have the opportunity to be a better person.

Thank you, Saturn. I hope I have served you as well as you have served me.

This blog is about my struggle with finding and maintaining my identity despite all efforts that have been made by many people for me to conform to the hand which I was dealt at birth. As I write this, I am healthier than I ever have been and my chronic pain/fatigue has faded and has been replaced with healthy diet, exercise, and meditation. Although I still have more work to do, I am happy with what I have achieved and I am here to keep learning as well as to teach through my experience.